I am in love.

No, no no, not with another MAN! T.S. is about the only man I can handle or even want...

Okay, okay, I admit Hugh Jackman as Wolverine in his black leather outfit from XIII with his claws out....nevermind....

No, I'm in love with a Sienna Burst Fender American Stratocaster Guitar. I don't care it's wrong for me - a tiny bit too big, scale wise. Perhaps a little too much to handle, with both a humbucker and single coils, and the S-1 switching but oh, I am lustful. Even though it might be a little too much guitar for me right now, it sounds so good...

However, I am willing to wait however long I have to. Okay, as long as I can stand it.

I also am planning on Ken someday building me Beauty, an all black and heavily modified version of a Fender Mustang, which is the guitar I have now. It's true, I love Boomer, (my Sonic Blue Mustang) but with Beauty and the Strat - I would be set for electric guitars.

My Driving Phobia

I have to do something about my driving phobia.

I used to drive frequently, if short distances. To the grocery store. To the Park & Ride.

I was never a big fan of driving, like some people, but I could do it.

Today I was asked to drive three miles. And I freaked. It's been about four years since I've driven anywhere. I am serious. I either take the bus, or T.S. drives me.

I have a car - my lovely (well, it's needing new paint again, but still, semi-lovely) '68 Mustang. With the correct hood. I could drive the Jeep, too. But I freak.

It's not so much the actual driving, it's the anticipation. I just need to get out there and do it. Alone. Even if I just go around the block (okay, our actual block is pretty large, but it's still a block - 6 right turns.

Driving and spiders are my two phobias - one I can live with, the other one needs to go. Wish me luck.

Movie Dreams...

I wonder where some of my dreams come from.

Not regular dreams. I have those too. Jumpy, and usually disconnected, or involving places and people you know. Those are the kind I have most of the time. And when I wake up, I remember a snip or two.

I mean another kind of dream; sometimes I have movie-type dreams that tell a a fairly complicated story. They are in technicolor, don't jump from one thing to another - one part of the story leads to another, and there is also subtext running through my dreams.

Last night's really cool dream involved a young woman who had been asked to help her family. Her step- father was being harassed by powerful men who wanted his business and his land. This seemed to take place in the late 40's or early 50's.

It had family secrets (a favorite sub-plot), action, a cute FBI agent (who was T.S. but not) to protect her because the FBI knew something was going on, and her real father was a powerful man and could request protection for her.

I was not happy when the alarm went off. I almost always write down my very cool dreams in the "Ideas" folder of my ZIP. Sometimes I use them as a jumping off point for my stories.

But I wonder what part of my life they come from. Maybe just my overactive imagination. But, I enjoy them.

Sweet Dreams

Another Weekend Gone

It was good though. The Weekend.

Friday we went to T.S.'s work deal at Emerald Downs. Networking is good. It was fun. T.S.'s Brother and sister-in-law were there too, and we saw our niece. That was fun.
Then, inspired by said niece, I proceeded to sink a good number of hours making a MySpace page, which was good. I have three friends now! Yes, I am excited.

Saturday we were out and about - went to Guitar 6000, and yes, I did play the Strat. Also Guitar Center. I didn't play any guitars there. We also went to Layne Bryant, and I got more cute shirts. Saturday I played WoW, and when I was on Shrew Removal Patrol I saw the coolest thing. The big owl who we see sometimes at night was down in our field, and he took off when I walked toward the edge of the bank. He was like a ghost, flying through the night those wide wings.

Sunday I just hung out, worked out, played with my page.

We practiced.

A good weekend.

Edited because I did something bizarre with html that didn't work. Getting tricky is not always a good plan....

Why I Never Had Kids

Sometimes people wonder why I (we) never had kids.

Well, theoretically we could still have children - but I decided about ten years ago motherhood was not for me. T.S. Would have made a good, maybe even a great, dad.

It was not an easy decision. I even gave T.S. a chance to opt out, when I realized not only was my biological clock not ticking, it was MISSING!

Of course there were times I saw a cute kid and for five minutes thought, "Aww, wouldn't it be fun..."

When I was in my twenties, I wouldn't have been a good mom. There were several instances which made me realize I didn't have my explosive temper under control enough to be the parent of a fragile child.
I won't go into detail.

In my thirties, my temper was finally leashed. I still didn't have any desire to have kids, although I thought I might someday. I knew I didn't want to get pregnant after I turned 35. Too many risks. I had some hard thinking to do. Before I made my decision, which took several years to finalize, there was a lot of talking and discussion between me and T.S. and others.

I knew;
To be a good mom, I needed to want a kid. Not just for a minute; I personally felt I needed an overwhelming, or at least long-term desire to be a parent. Otherwise the generations-old cycle (from my mom's side) of having kids and resenting them might continue. Mothers are care givers, nurturers. There are times children need a nurturing mother to grow up balanced. Completely separate from issues such as; Who ends up with kids when they are tiny 98 percent of the time? When a kid wakes up projectile vomiting, who do they scream for?

I also considered our medical histories. My dad's side of the family has a history of horrible congenital heart defects, and dropping dead young. My mom's had a tenacious thread of mental illness running through it. T.S.'s Family has a very strong genetic disposition to diabetes. While none of these things would have prevented me from having a kid, had I truly wanted one, they were marks in the against column.

I am an introvert. I need a lot of alone time to stay sane. While not as large a factor as other issues, it played a role. Even when I was still thinking about having kids, I let T.S. know he'd be taking care of them, a lot. I still wonder how all the introvert mothers out there cope. Especially the single moms.

Every married person with kids I knew had marital problems. Mostly because of the kids. T.S. And I have an excellent relationship, but it took a lot of work to get there. I didn't have great marriage role models. Still, if I had truly wanted a child, this would not have stopped me.

Those were a few of my reasons for deciding not to be a mom. There were others.

What it might also have been about, slightly;

My relationship with my mother - not good. Her relationship with her mom - worse than mine.

The chance of having a kid with severe behavioral or physical problems.

The whole process of being pregnant. For years going to the doctor made me nauseated.

What it was NOT about;
Responsibility; I am responsible for taking care of my animals, working full time. I take responsibility seriously.

Not being a good parent. I think, in my thirties and later, I would have been a good mom if I'd made the choice to have kids. Maybe a little too strict and inflexible. But, T.S. would have balanced it out.

Giving up my freedom. Sure, people with kids have more freedom than those who don't. If I had wanted a kid, I would have been glad to kiss that kind of freedom goodbye. Well, maybe not glad; try prepared to kiss it goodbye.

Bad Reasons to Have Kids;
Having someone to take care of you when you get old.
Because everyone thinks you should.
It will save your marriage.
There are others.

"Think about your future, " said a therapist I once saw. "Think of your future with and without kids." After a little thought, I decided I wanted one. Someday. When I wanted a child for more than five minutes.


I am happy with my decision; but it wasn't easy. I don't revisit it anymore. Even with similar circumstances, my choice wouldn't be right for everyone. I know several women who never wanted kids who became pregnant and realized being a parent was the best thing they'd ever done. I also know mothers who wouldn't do it again if they could go back in time. No matter how much they love their kids.

I have no regrets except one - T.S. would have been a good father.

Living Together Test #3 - The Kitchen

The kitchen can be fraught with conflict. It seems pretty simple - but it's the last specific room in the house where you want to know where your partner stands on Certain Issues.

1. Drinking glass storage
a. On the rim
b. On the bottom
c. Stacked
d. On a rack of some kind

2. Dishes should be
a. Washed immediately
b. Left in the sink to soak
c. Left for the elves
d. Paper most of the time

3. Counters
a. Bare and open
c. Things we use all the time should be on them
d. a good place to leave things we need to look at soon
e. Repository for All Things

4. Knife Storage
a. In a wooden block
b. On the wall via magnetic strip
c. In the drawers
e. Elsewhere

5. Acceptable for these things to be on the counter, yes or no
a. Papers
b. Cats
c. Personal grooming items

6. Spices should be stored;
a. In a spice rack
b. In the cabinets
c. Who needs spices aside from salt & pepper?

6. Hand towel on oven or stove or fridge?
a. Of course
b. Never
c. Eeew!
d. Only if one of our relatives gives it as a gift.

7. Dish washing soap (not for the dishwasher)
a. On the counter
b. In a cute little dispenser
c. Who needs dishwashing soap when we have a dishwasher?
d. We only use paper plates, why do we need soap?

8. Bread boxes are;
a. Great!
b. A waste of counter space
c. For hiding things other than bread in
d. See number 6, d

9. Appliances should be cleaned
a. After each use
b. Once a week
c. Once a month
d. When they get crusty

10. The kitchen garbage should be located
a. Under the sink
b. In a covered garbage can in the kitchen
c. Taken outside immediately!
d. Someplace the elves can find it.

11. Dish drying racks are;
a. Great!
b. Okay, as long as the dishes get put away soon.
c. Eeeeww!!!!!!
d. Something elves might like


Once again - compromise is king. I actually changed my view on storing drinking glasses upside down - after a HUGE spider found it's way into one, died, and was found floating in my pop. EEEWWWW!