Why I Never Had Kids

Sometimes people wonder why I (we) never had kids.

Well, theoretically we could still have children - but I decided about ten years ago motherhood was not for me. T.S. Would have made a good, maybe even a great, dad.

It was not an easy decision. I even gave T.S. a chance to opt out, when I realized not only was my biological clock not ticking, it was MISSING!

Of course there were times I saw a cute kid and for five minutes thought, "Aww, wouldn't it be fun..."

When I was in my twenties, I wouldn't have been a good mom. There were several instances which made me realize I didn't have my explosive temper under control enough to be the parent of a fragile child.
I won't go into detail.

In my thirties, my temper was finally leashed. I still didn't have any desire to have kids, although I thought I might someday. I knew I didn't want to get pregnant after I turned 35. Too many risks. I had some hard thinking to do. Before I made my decision, which took several years to finalize, there was a lot of talking and discussion between me and T.S. and others.

I knew;
To be a good mom, I needed to want a kid. Not just for a minute; I personally felt I needed an overwhelming, or at least long-term desire to be a parent. Otherwise the generations-old cycle (from my mom's side) of having kids and resenting them might continue. Mothers are care givers, nurturers. There are times children need a nurturing mother to grow up balanced. Completely separate from issues such as; Who ends up with kids when they are tiny 98 percent of the time? When a kid wakes up projectile vomiting, who do they scream for?

I also considered our medical histories. My dad's side of the family has a history of horrible congenital heart defects, and dropping dead young. My mom's had a tenacious thread of mental illness running through it. T.S.'s Family has a very strong genetic disposition to diabetes. While none of these things would have prevented me from having a kid, had I truly wanted one, they were marks in the against column.

I am an introvert. I need a lot of alone time to stay sane. While not as large a factor as other issues, it played a role. Even when I was still thinking about having kids, I let T.S. know he'd be taking care of them, a lot. I still wonder how all the introvert mothers out there cope. Especially the single moms.

Every married person with kids I knew had marital problems. Mostly because of the kids. T.S. And I have an excellent relationship, but it took a lot of work to get there. I didn't have great marriage role models. Still, if I had truly wanted a child, this would not have stopped me.

Those were a few of my reasons for deciding not to be a mom. There were others.

What it might also have been about, slightly;

My relationship with my mother - not good. Her relationship with her mom - worse than mine.

The chance of having a kid with severe behavioral or physical problems.

The whole process of being pregnant. For years going to the doctor made me nauseated.

What it was NOT about;
Responsibility; I am responsible for taking care of my animals, working full time. I take responsibility seriously.

Not being a good parent. I think, in my thirties and later, I would have been a good mom if I'd made the choice to have kids. Maybe a little too strict and inflexible. But, T.S. would have balanced it out.

Giving up my freedom. Sure, people with kids have more freedom than those who don't. If I had wanted a kid, I would have been glad to kiss that kind of freedom goodbye. Well, maybe not glad; try prepared to kiss it goodbye.

Bad Reasons to Have Kids;
Having someone to take care of you when you get old.
Because everyone thinks you should.
It will save your marriage.
There are others.

"Think about your future, " said a therapist I once saw. "Think of your future with and without kids." After a little thought, I decided I wanted one. Someday. When I wanted a child for more than five minutes.


I am happy with my decision; but it wasn't easy. I don't revisit it anymore. Even with similar circumstances, my choice wouldn't be right for everyone. I know several women who never wanted kids who became pregnant and realized being a parent was the best thing they'd ever done. I also know mothers who wouldn't do it again if they could go back in time. No matter how much they love their kids.

I have no regrets except one - T.S. would have been a good father.